12 Years of Housemates; A List

When I was 17, my parents moved to another state. I was thrilled, finally I had the freedom I’d always wanted and live alone! That is, until I worked out that the cost to live alone was roughly the same as selling a kidney a year, and I only have two of those.

Enter share-housing. The cruel practice people tell you is character building, and helping you save money, and making you new friends. It’s done none of those things, in fact I would say it’s probably brought out the worst in my passive aggressive nature, cost me thousands in unnecessary cleaning fees and made me hate a lot of people. In the spirit of my quality journalism, here’s a mostly-anonymised listicle of all my housemates and my “favourite” things about them.

1. The Ex

This delightful gentleman was my ex- boyfriend, who was also dating my best friend. In my defence, that wasn’t the nature of our relationship when we moved in together. The drama was entertaining, but in hindsight only. He also never paid rent, stole thousands of dollars from me and threatened to kill my new boyfriend.

0/10, would not live with again.

2. Brunette Girl #1

I can’t recall much about her other than she liked to home make sushi, which who can really be bothered? She was also a journalist for the local paper so used to ask fun things like “did you get a photo of that horrific car crash on your way home?”.

7/10, would discuss the ethics of news for entertainment with again.

3. Brunette Dude #1

Delightful, recently out dude from the central coast. His parents actually found the place for him and wanted to meet my parents and it was all kind of lovely. Even then we were both legally adults. After a few scant week of knowing each other, he took it upon himself to buy me a giant blue, glittery, dildo at sexpo. To this day I’m still unsure if it was a long winded ‘go fuck yourself’ joke, or he thought that was genuinely something I needed in my life. I don’t know which answer I prefer. He was also clean and had amusing friends, which was nice.

6/10, mostly for the free sex toy

4. Kirsty/Kristy/Kirsten/Kristen?

I don’t remember her name and am not sure I ever actually knew which was correct, and that amuses me. She was horrifically messy. Put simply, a hoarder. Like a-path-to-the-bed-through-knee-deep-rubbish kind of hoarder. At least it was localized to her room. No wonder she always kept the door shut. She didn’t use sheets on her bed though, and once I found that out I couldn’t sleep at night and had to ask her to leave.

1/10, because she lived exclusively on quarter pounders and lean cuisines but never got scurvy, and I have mad respect for that kind of skill.

5. Blonde Girl #1

I had a bad run for a while, this girl was also horrifically messy. I had to teach her how to wash up, because her idea of washing a glass was to drink water out of it and then put it away. I get it, you wash it with water, it kind of makes sense. Nevertheless she had no clue event though she worked in food service!? I had to explain how diseases were communicable via saliva before she agreed to start actually washing anything. She also sub-leased the other side of her double bed to a friend without me knowing. I literally had another person living in my house for TWO MONTHS before I noticed. Yikes.

1/10, the one is for the pluckyness, I was pissed but kind of impressed

6. Brunette Girl #2

My first fond housemate memory! This girl loved to play the guitar and narrate her every thought. When she wasn’t doing that she was cleaning or keeping to herself. The perfect housemate.

9/10, she loses one point for always only watching Castle though

7. Blonde Girl #2

People always suggest living with friends, “it’s much easier”, they say, having never done it. It is much easier, until you want to leave. Then they will hold it against you forever, permanently tarnishing your relationship. The best thing about living with her was that she’s a pastry chef so there was always cake. The worst thing about living with her was that she’s a pastry chef so there was always cake. We almost broke up when I moved out though, that wasn’t much fun.

8/10 with two points deducted for the drama that ensued on my departure

8. Blonde Girl #3

In my memory I can picture her face, but nothing about her personality at all. I guess that’s telling in itself. All I really remember is the ridiculous struggle we went through to find her only to have her moved out three months later because one of the other blondes was a bitch to her.

5/10 because I can’t remember her

9. Brunette Girl #3

I can’t remember much about living with this girl, other than she LOVED Pretty Little Liars and had the most interesting eating habits I’d ever seen. We’re talking steamed fish and broccoli every two-three hours starting at 4am, followed by 15 cheeky tablespoons of peanut butter at 9pm, while hiding in the pantry. Presumably because she was starving. She put on 12kg in the five months she lived with me, apparently unaware that peanut butter is basically all fat.

4/10 because the fish smell of a morning was not pleasant with my coffee

10. Brunette Girl #4

There were no downsides to living with BG#4, I don’t even know how to articulate it without it becoming an awkward love letter. Picture every idyllic John Hughes movie you’ve ever seen with the perfect friendships and catchy soundtracks. That was our life. One endless sunny afternoon filled with doughnuts, cute pajamas and Netflix binges.

10/10 would shamelessly beg her to move back in

In summary, share housing is awful. The good doesn’t outweigh the bad and I think I’m legitimately getting to the point where I can say “I’m too old for this shit”.  Thank heavens the property market is dropping and I might be able to finally live my 17 year old self’s dream of affording to live on my own!